Last night Prime Minister Theresa May confirmed, in a statement that has shocked and confused a nation who thought Enid Blyton offered hard-hitting social commentary, that there is “no magic money tree”. This has cast many voters into a state of despair.

This is despite the fact that Britain is a resourceful nation, rich in other magic plans and shrubs, leaving us well-equipped to take back control from all imaginary foes. In order to offer some reassurance to those fearing we may be totally fucked, here are the plants that will save us all.

Magic care worker tree – produces an endless supply of individuals who care for the young, the old and the infirm, requiring no pay whatsoever for their labour because they are magic and don’t need luxuries such as food, shelter or rest. This enables all formal support networks to be run into the ground.

Magic invisible immigrant bush – produces an endless supply of workers for health and service industries, who also happen to be invisible in order not to appear to be flouting The Will of the British People not to have to see any immigrants.

Magic Brexit No Deal Rhododendron – a fantastical plant which exists in its own self-contained ecosystem, with no dependency on light, air, water or soil shared by any other plant life. As a result no one knows where it is. But it’s definitely better than the Magic Brexit Bad Deal Rhododendron, which looks exactly the same but is completely different because reasons.

Fantastical Forest of Alliteration – replaces the need for fully costed policies by virtue of alliterative slogans such as “coalition of chaos” and “believe in Britain”. Once inside the forest the trees will whisper/sneer at you so loudly and persistently you will forget there was ever a time when words had to mean something.

Magic Tree of Deadly Destruction – contains the power to kill everyone in an enormous nuclear explosion. It is much better than the Magic Tree of Growing Nice Things Like Fruit And Stuff, which is boring and makes men on Question Time feel all small and sad. It also makes everyone dead.

Jeremy Corbyn has, as yet, made no statement on the magic plants Labour has to offer the British people. This may be because he isn’t magic himself and doesn’t have any, only boring old “facts” and “numbers”.

I think, therefore, it is clear who we all need to vote for.

Magic plants FTW! You know it’s the only way.