According to research carried out by the University of Experts, grandparents risk harming the health of their grandchildren by spoiling them with fatty foods, sugary drinks and the worst act of political and economic self-harm the UK has ever seen.
Children’s charities warned that today’s grandparents “bring out the biscuits at the slightest hint of a tantrum”. Other unhealthy habits include smoking in front of grandchildren, failing to encourage regular exercise and voting in accordance with the whims of the Mail and Nigel Farage.
A survey from June last year showed 60% of over 65s keen to treat their grandchildren to a decimated economy, a rise in racist attacks and a dying NHS. Similar numbers are suspected of supporting double helpings of fondant fancies.
‘I don’t mind if little Alfie ends up having to wage war on the Hun again,’ says John, born in 1948. ‘I’d certainly treat him to some extra Tunnocks Teacakes afterwards.’ Wife Elsie agrees: ‘You’ve got to let them have a little treat now and then. That and lifelong uncertainty about jobs and housing. Otherwise where would we be?’
However, not all grandparents are of this opinion. Ada, 67, says she allows her two grandsons half an hour of CBeebies and two chocolate digestives per visit, ‘but none of that diving off of any economic cliffs. I’ve seen the damage it can do’. Bert, 76, takes a similar view: ‘Everything in moderation. A second helping of Coco Pops and an overinflated housing market, but that’s all they’re getting from me’.
The team behind the research stress the importance of starting early where healthy habits are concerned. Although one member added, ‘we’re basically beyond that now. I’d recommend those kids get in the Fox’s Party Rings while they can’.